Corn Dog Ranch

: DESTROY ALL MUSIC!!! Lorne Michaels Has Got Something Personal Against Tunes

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:12:16 -0800

: DESTROY ALL MUSIC!!! Lorne Michaels Has Got Something Personal Against Tunes:

If Saturday Night Live viewers are getting the feeling producer Lorne Michaels is going out of his way to find bland, lifeless musical acts to perform, you aren’t far from the truth.

KGRA has learned from an interview with an unnamed source deep within SNL, that Michaels is deliberately…

patto snozwall

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 01:06:00 -0800

a celebrity throws a fit and the internet goes bonkers, news at 11

i think performing and writing standup comedy is one of the hardest things i’ve ever done in my life, which is why i don’t do it anymore. i have the utmost respect for people who do. part of being a good performer is being able to look past a distraction, or acknowledge it in a non-obtrusive way and then move on. I DON’T THINK PATTON OSWALT DID THIS AND I THINK HE IS DELIBERATELY BEING A REAL DINK ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR.

taping someone without their permission is never ok. neither is throwing a fit! barbara grey recounts the night’s events very well on her blog. here is an excerpt:

The room instantly filled up with more audience members as Patton took the stage. He did his new stuff and was most of the way through a bit about a hooker, when he noticed a woman in the second row filming him. Here’s a rough transcript of what I could hear from the back. This is very paired down, but it’s the basic idea of what transpired:

Patton: Excuse me, are you filming me?

Woman: Yes.

Patton: Could you not do that?

Woman: You’re going to want that whole chunk on tape, that was perfect.

Patton: Well I have that whole chunk. I’m working on it for a special and it ruins it if you upload video of it.

Woman: I’ll delete it right now.

Patton: See people do this and they’re being assholes. You don’t realize you’re being an asshole but you’re being an asshole.

perhaps the asshole move was pressing the issue when someone said “i’ll delete it right now”, ding dong. now everyone on twitter has their panties in a bunch and i can’t read my basketball tweets. patton’s all like “well i was doing this show FOR FREE to work out new material.” meanwhile everyone else on the show gets hella paid to read sniglets. jesus christ asshole, nobody gets paid to do comedy in la! the one time i met jamie kennedy (this is an extremely poor example) he was waving around his 25 dollar check for doing a set at the laugh factory. THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY TO DO COMEDY IN LA. NOBODY GETS PAID. EVERYONE HAS NEW MATERIAL. CAPITAL LETTERS. DID YOU KNOW JAMIE KENNEDY GETS PAID TO DO COMEDY?

one time (2005?) i went through a horrible, soul-crushing depressive episode. the kind where you don’t get out of bed for a week unless it’s to use the toilet and even then it’s like “is it even worth it to go pee in the toilet, i probably deserve to lie on a urine-soaked mattress.” midway through this shitty black cloud, my friend tells me he’s gotten me a ticket to go see louis ck. somehow i drag myself out to cobbs and we end up with front row seats. louis ck always has new material. fucker writes a new hour every year. i am in the front row and i know how funny this shit is and yet i can’t laugh. i can’t even smile. i look like hell, like i’ve been crying for like a week into a pee pillow. a front row person who isn’t laughing at your comedy is distracting and terrible, if you are on stage! i have seen comics call people out for it. it is an awful way to derail your set and kill momentum. (please see “robin williams v. [white guy sitting in front row at ucb who didn’t laugh]” for a shining example) i think louis knows this, because even though i was sitting 4 feet away from him for an hour staring at his face and wishing that a light would fall on me and put me out of my misery, he did not do the weiner thing and stop his set to say “hey, what’s your deal?” he looked elsewhere and continued telling his excellent jokes. 2 weeks later i got laid and now everything is perfect.

i am not suggesting that patton should have ignored the taping lady, or that she was ok to tape his set without permission. i think the professional thing to do would have been to say “hey, that’s not ok. please stop” and then CONTINUE TELLING YOUR STUPID NEW JOKES SO THAT THE OTHER COMICS CAN ENJOY YOUR COMEDY MOMENTUM. it fucking sucks to derail a show and get all awkward. it is a weiner move to make fun of someone after they leave. don’t even get me started on the double chin bullshit. obviously it came from a place of insecurity and emotions. i think he acted like an asshole and is attempting to mask that by being like “but she started it because taaaaaapes.” get over it you big baby and act like a professional comic. you know, one who gets paid to do comedy.

sources: http://barbaragray.tumblr.com/post/15420368620/that-one-time-when-patton-oswalt-was-an-asshole - barbara gray (who was excited about patton dropping in, and is unnecessarily being shit on by internet jerks. also, she’s fucking funny and smart, read her stuff)

http://twitter.com/pattonoswalt - patton oswalt (ratatoing, the stuff on the comedians of comedy dvd that isn’t me talking about andy kindler)

SANTA

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 00:48:27 -0800

SANTA

pauljay: GO TO BED NO I WONT

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:19:55 -0700

pauljay:

GO TO BED

NO I WONT

watch my babies get eaten

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 02:35:32 -0700

this is the last salad i made at work tonight. it’s made with sungold tomatoes, toasted hazelnuts, point reyes bleu cheese from farmstead creamery, and the last of the lettuces i had grown in my garden. i’ve made salads for people before using my produce, but this is the first time i’ve ever had my own produce used in a restaurant. i remembered to take pictures the whole time i was growing it so now you can follow it from seed…

to sprout…

to plant…

to plate!

i wish i had a better picture, but it was dark and i had 3 seconds to take it.

: Brian Eno Takes Onanism Ambient with Latest Release

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 18:39:28 -0700

: Brian Eno Takes Onanism Ambient with Latest Release:

kimgordonsrealage:

“Ambient 5: Music for Masturbation” is the long awaited addition to the series of ambient music collections Brian Eno began in the early 1970s.

Mr. Eno answered some questions about the album via e-mail.

What was the genesis of this project?

“I was discussing the fermentation techniques of…

that’s how you do a layup

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 14:56:08 -0700

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

that’s how you do a layup

a lazy summer

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 14:50:04 -0700

my summer has not been as productive for gardening as i had hoped. right now i’m waiting for the raspberries and strawberries to stop fruiting so i can tear out that whole corner of the plot and plant fall stuff. i guess i should’ve tried to do that back in the springtime, but i was so excited that i might have berries of my own that i figured i’d just let the plants get as big as possible. now they kind of look like shit! oh well! they’ll probably be all gone within a month and i’ll finally get to build the raised beds i’ve been planning on.

the peas and lettuce are doing incredibly well though, considering it’s july. i picked my first peas on july 5th. i think last year once they started forming pods i had about 2 or 3 weeks of harvesting. every plant that’s gone in has at least 2 or 3 flowers on it.

here’s some pictures from the last few months!

peas on june 7th

the same peas on july 7th

lettuce on june 25th

lettuce on july 7th

lettuce and daikon, july 7th

daikon, july 7th

unripe raspberries, june 25th

unripe blueberries, june 25th

digging up weeds, july 7th (i am wearing a facemask because i’m allergic to everything!)

Jonas Polsky: Comedians Need to be Stopped

Fri, 17 Jun 2011 17:58:14 -0700

Jonas Polsky: Comedians Need to be Stopped:

listen to this man, he’s an actual internet doctor

jonaspolsky:

by Jonas Polsky

America is continually rocked by the injurious, and spiritually damaging comments by stand up comedians. These self-important laugh peddlers think that anything they say is somehow protected, and they can get away with offending the sensibilities of the audience, (and internet…

Please Don't Pour Any More Sugar On Me: songs that should not be played at strip clubs

Wed, 08 Jun 2011 21:36:00 -0700

(this has fuck all to do with gardening. i’m still growing stuff and taking pictures but i was pretty happy with how this turned out so i’m posting this instead of “peas is the only thing you can grow in portland”)

A thing that everyone already knows about Portland: there are supposedly more strip clubs here than anywhere else in the United States. There are more strip clubs in Portland, Oregon than in Titty Bar, Montana[1]. Music played in strip clubs varies depending on the location and clientele of said clubs. Some clubs have DJs, some have jukeboxes, and some clubs (although these are rare these days) still use an unamplified player piano[2]. Questionable music choices are frequent regardless of which club you end up at. Sometimes it can boil down to “the right song, at the wrong place.” Who wants to hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” when you’re at a club that mostly plays rap? Likewise, would it be wise to play a set with “Got Money”, “Push It”, and “Whatever U Like” when you’re at Hillbilly’s Wet T-Shirt and Moonshine Palace? There are some things that everyone can agree on though, and that is that certain songs just are not fit to listen to at the strip club. Please enjoy this list of songs that you should not take off your clothes to!

“Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman

Incident occurred on 6/7/11 at Casa Diablo. I showed up to see Star, a lady who dances whilst “wearing” a buttplug. I love a gimmick. (By the way, she is a very athletic and skilled dancer, but she will do this thing where she bangs the exterior portion of the plug against the stage so loudly that you fear she’s going to accidently shove it up past the point of no return. Also it kind of looks like a D battery in her bum. My roommate with benefits/life partner, Good Boy, theorized that perhaps it really is a D battery and for her finale she’ll shove it in and her tattoos will light up like some sort of stripper Uncle Fester.) It may have been “Kinda from the 90s, but probably from the 80s Night” that evening at the Casa, or perhaps just Regrettable Music Night, because out of all the songs that Mr. DJ had access to, he decided “Fast Car” was the one to play. Remember these lyrics?

You got a fast car
I got a plan to get us out of here
been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
I say his body’s too young to look like his
but mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school and that’s what I did

You got a fast car
is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I gave the good lady onstage some money and I thought about Tracy Chapman. I hope she finally got that car she wanted.

Anything by Richard Cheese

No more “Lounge Against the Machine” ever, please. There is a woman who dances at Mary’s Club who used to play Richard Cheese every single time I went in. She has very eclectic tastes and will pick the most esoteric songs to dance to, but Richard Cheese is weak. It’s like saying “Hey, you know how this song used to sound? Did you know it could sound worse?” The only person I know who liked Richard Cheese genuinely was a security guard at the bookstore I worked at in San Francisco. He was also a date rapist.[3] I’m not saying that correlation equals causation here… wait. Yes I am. Anyway, Richard Cheese is shit. Shit sandwich on shit bread with shitstard and shitmatoes.

“Fish Heads” by Barnes and Barnes

This song is only fit to be played at the following locations:

A Barnes and Barnes concert

A memorial for Barnes and/or Barnes

I guess this would be tolerable if the dancer could involve puppets somehow. Any use of puppetry would automatically turn your stripper set into a burlesque act though, right? Portland, help me out here.

“Brick” by Ben Folds Five

I haven’t actually seen anyone dance to this, but I imagine that at some point in the late 1990s, some enterprising young lady received a burned copy of “Whatever and Ever Amen” from a friend of hers. She brought it to the club she worked at and gave the DJ instructions to cue up “Battle of Who Could Care Less”. Perhaps she didn’t tip the DJ enough the previous shift, or perhaps he was just in an assy mood, but he played “Brick” instead. This would be incredible, especially if it was actually the day after Christmas.

“Zombie” by The Cranberries

I can’t think of any circumstance that this would be considered acceptable under. Wait, here’s one: If the dancer sings along really really loudly with the EH EH EH EH OH OH OH OH AHHHH AHHH AHHHHH line (3:23), then it’s fine. Damn, I think I know what I’m doing on my birthday this year.

“Just A Friend” by Biz Markie

(click the picture to go watch “Just A Friend” on Youtube)

In theory this would be a good song, right? In practice, it will make everyone in the club sing along to the chorus and forget to tip. (Again, I saw this at Casa Diablo.) Also, I think most dancers are aging under the point where they only know Biz Markie from Yo Gabba Gabba, so what you end up with is a handful of confused and pissed-off 20 year olds and a club full of drunk singing old people. And no tips.

Any TV theme song, including but not limited to the theme from “Muppet Babies”, with the exception of “Batman Theme”, the theme to the 1966 TV series “Batman”.

I will see a lady take her clothes off to the Batman theme song in my lifetime. Of this, I am certain.[4][5][6][7]

In conclusion, please consider me for the position of “DJ/Announcer/Fry Cook” at Jimmy’s Chicken and Titty Shack. I have my own iPod and I am really good at making chicken and writing lists of songs that I shouldn’t play at work. I have a bus pass, so I’ll show up when I am supposed to.

Thank you for your time,

Heather (future DJ)

[1] Titty Bar, MT is the town founded by Colonel Tittybar in 1877 after his wagon train ran out of cash on the way to California from Illinois. He famously invented the ideas of the modern strip club and the strip club DJ by having all the young buxom women of the wagon train dance around the flagpoles of the small pioneer settlements along the way. Men would throw pemmican and cornmeal mush at ladies they found attractive. Of course refrigeration and laundry soap were essentially nonexistent at the time and so the Colonel would use a bullhorn to encourage gentlemen to “keep your meat and mush in your trousers, but be generous with your one and two-cent pieces!” Back then, it cost a penny to see a young lady’s petticoat, for a nickel she would rub her bustle against a prospector’s lap, and for a dollar she would go into the back of a wagon and read Bible passages or the Farmer’s Almanac out loud to an illiterate gentleman. The Colonel used this cash to purchase provisions and oxen for the rest of his pioneers, and the rest is made-up history.

[2] Generally the dancers at these clubs are old, old women, or young ladies who think that steampunk is retarded because it’s “played out”. These young dancers inevitably dress in a flapper style or a Josephine Baker-esqe banana skirt but will ruin the illusion by having a large, visible tattoo of the Chinese symbols for “Punk Rock Forever” on their décolletage.

[3] Please don’t ask me how I know this unless you feel like making me listening to a whole lot of Tori Amos, followed by me making fun of Tori Amos, followed by me breaking bottles in an alley.

[4] Man, there are a lot of footnotes in this thing. Who do I think I am, David Foster Wallace?

[5] Who do I think I am, Lloyd Kaufman?

[6] Who do I think I am, Andy “Footnote” Kindler?

[7] I apologize for that last footnote and I apologize to Andy Kindler for dragging him into this mess.

if you'd like to read about a garden where stuff actually happens

Mon, 02 May 2011 02:43:29 -0700

if you'd like to read about a garden where stuff actually happens:

check out potatojail.tumblr.com. this is my sister shelby’s garden in san diego. she’s cool and she grows pretty flowers and tiny strawberries. plus she posts pictures of the stuff she makes with what she grows! go there now!

2 months later

Mon, 02 May 2011 02:40:15 -0700

my prediction in the last post came true. i haven’t touched the hose since i started gardening. since i got the garden we have had less than 7 days of complete sun, and 0 days of weather above 70 degrees. it’s may 2nd today! gross!

this is a crappy picture, but you can see the amount of progress i’ve been able to make. it is not a lot. that’s why i haven’t been posting. speaking of lack of progress, do you see that fucking rhubarb in the background? i spent over 2 hours digging that shit out and there’s still a ton of it that i couldn’t get rid of. rhubarb is perennial and has rhizomes rather than roots. it can live for up to 15 years, if not longer. i pulled out enough of it to fill up that giant ace hardware bag like 2/3rds of the way. estimated weight was around 30 pounds, if not more. i fucking hate rhubarb. i didn’t get a picture of the rhizomes, but luke said it looked like a big pile of dog dicks, so you can use your imagination there.

PEAS IS SPROUTS

it took forever but i finally have peas. sorta.

they are much stubbier than the ones i grew in la. i think that’s probably partly the temperature and partly the incredibly soggy soil. these are the only ones that survived from my initial planting, but i’ve planted like 12 feet of one kind and 6 feet of another kind so i’m sure some will survive out of all that.

i will probably not need to water for some time

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 22:42:20 -0800

today i went to the garden with the intention of planting peas and pulling weeds. i should mention that it snowed last night and i was expecting a thin layer of snow or ice on the plot (it’s on the side of a hill, elevation approximately 550 feet) like so:

(the edge of the parking lot)

instead, i walked over to find this:

good thing i was wearing rain boots, because in some spots the water is 5 or 6 inches deep. it is both running down the hillside and bubbling up from underneath the ground.

i asked the garden manager if this happened all the time and he said it only started happening last year, and it would most likely drain out within 2 or 3 days. i’m guessing there’s something that is blocking the creek running behind the garden that’s diverting all the water into my spot. for now, all i can do is hope that we get a few dry days so i can build some raised beds. most of the other plots already have them. it is a minor setback, considering i could potentially be gardening at this spot for the next 5-10 years if not much longer. (the land’s been fully owned by the city of portland since 1976 and has a caretaker living on site!)

here’s some other pictures from today:

a beautiful mossy tree just above my spot

it was 45 degrees out and yet there was still a ton of snow on the ground

the chickens are not bothered by snow

it's not much, but it's mine

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 18:47:00 -0800

my new garden is 400 square feet at the Adams Community Garden in NW Portland. i went up there today to check it out and see how much work i’m going to have to do once the ground dries out a little bit.

raspberries! (i think) these will probably have to be trimmed a little bit but even still… berries! i wasn’t allowed to plant fruit in west hollywood. this is a nice surprise.

there are chickens who live here and one very loud rooster. i want to be his friend

hello, i'm doing ok now

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:34:00 -0800

it’s been a number of months since that last post and i’d like to let everyone know that i’m doing better and my situation has improved dramatically. here is a picture of me from last night:

job news: i work 6 days a week!

garden news: i might have a garden march 1st!

other news: i have a hat!

2 months into my portland residency (whiny sad bastard)

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 09:32:45 -0700

so i left la. i was temporarily homeless, then i was temporarily couch-surfing, then i lived in a bug-filled cat pee-scented spare room for 3 days and was eaten alive by fleas, then i couch/floor-surfed some more, and then i finally made it to san diego and enjoyed the hell out of my second-to-last comic con ever. (i won’t go once they leave san diego in 2013.)

i made it to portland on july 28th. i found a (crappy) job and i started working on september 3rd. i’m told this is unheard of for the area. my first week, i got 39 hours. my second week, i got 20. this week, i have 15, and next week i have 9. i’m told everyone is making cutbacks. i keep applying for jobs. it’s like shouting into a vacuum.

i guess it’s my fault that i didn’t/couldn’t go to a real college, or that i wasn’t happy in la. maybe i should’ve been working in a restaurant instead of working in an office, or maybe i should have kept working at my office job even though i couldn’t find a consistent place to live. i don’t know what i could have done differently, i just know i should have done something differently. excuses.

i remain hopeful that things will turn around. i remain hopeful that one of these jobs i apply for will call me back and offer me more than 15 hours a week of steady work. if i can stick it out for 18 months, i can get oregon resident status, and i can try to go to college. if i can get enough work maybe i can save enough money and someday i might start a business or own a house. i could never afford to do either of those in california.

i know that someday soon i will have a garden again and a place of my own.

: John Stamos Excluded From Beach Boys Reunion

Sat, 07 Aug 2010 00:30:39 -0700

: John Stamos Excluded From Beach Boys Reunion:

“Rolling Stone” magazine reports (from within its new, shrunken-head format) that Al Jardine of the Beach Boys says the group - identified as Jardine, Brian Wilson, Mike Love, and Bruce Johnston - will reunite for at least one concert, to celebrate 50 years of their strained, unpleasant…

i, too, highly recommend kim gordons real age dot tumblr dot...

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 20:51:28 -0700

i, too, highly recommend kim gordons real age dot tumblr dot commercial

kimgordonsrealage:

The Reviews Are In For Kim Gordon’s Real Age (2010)!!!

CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP (via douglashorse)

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 10:40:06 -0700

CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP

(via douglashorse)

POSITIVE ENERGY MONTH MOTTO

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 10:34:19 -0700

dailyclaw:

THIS IS MY MONTH

I’M GOING TO BE A GREAT PERSON

I WILL DESTROY ANY BEAST WHO GETS IN MY WAY

I LOOK REALLY GOOD IN SHADES